Dear Ms. Nair
LETTER OF ACCEPTANCE
Congratulations! The Committee is pleased to inform you that you have been accepted for the course of ‘New Decade, New Adult’ to our Institution. Please consider this Letter of Acceptance (and refer back to it periodically, when needed) a testament to our unwavering faith in your suitability to our course.
We assess millions of candidates every day and look for an interesting combination of setbacks, struggles, vision and values together with the resilience (albeit, shaky, in your case) to continue on. Your Statement of Purpose describing your desire to join our course was moving. We’d like to take this moment to acknowledge your pain, your effort and your intentions thus far – commendable and sincere. Our Orientation Program will conduct a far more exhaustive Appreciation process, while also helping you reassess these Past Stories for a better new decade.
We intend to keep a close eye on your self-loathing masquerading as self- deprecating humor. While entertaining, in our experience, it is a slippery slope and not always conducive to healthy adulthood relationships and scenarios.
Also you’re stunning! This isn’t inappropriate, it just must be said. We accept your frizzy hair, thick thighs and the general jiggle you have gained recently and would like to congratulate you on finding your “good side”. Your experience, to lose said jiggle or embrace it, will be particularly useful to the younger students you encounter. They learn best when led by example and we trust you to set a good one.
We have reviewed your past records of self-sabotage at work, numerous occasions of self-doubt and a distinct pattern of unworthiness in all relationships. This will remain on your record, purely for informational purposes. Rest assured, this will have no bearing on your time with us. While we don’t expect you to erase it entirely, some of our elective courses like ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’ and the Bridget Jones inspired, ‘You’re perfect just the way you are’, could help in these areas.
We are currently in the process of a creating a curriculum for the Alumnus Refresher Course. Our older graduates (of Previous Decades) have developed a rather nasty reputation with their callous attitude toward inclusivity, peace and
sustainability. We’re encouraging our new recruits to take the reigns on this one. With your high scores in empathy, dogged seeking of silver linings and undeniable experience in pep talks, we think you’ll be a valuable addition to the group.
It is our understanding that you listed ‘Lack of Confidence’ as one of your weaknesses. We applaud your brutal honesty. Our Committee has repeatedly found it incredibly refreshing. We’d like to remind you that no course in Adulthood is complete without the mandatory subject ‘Fake it till you make it’. The second term allows you to earn bonus credits with the subject ‘Embrace the Crippling Confusion’ – a challenge we think you’re ready for. We look forward to seeing how you fare.
Since you aced the preliminary tests of self-reflection and inventory, we urge you to use our dorms and living facilities only to unwind. In fact, since your scores were off the charts, you may be assigned dorm mates (Your friends) specifically to ensure you don’t slip into a ‘self-help book’ rabbit hole, during your time off. This is merely a precautionary measure.
So to sum up, WE ACCEPT YOU.
To be honest, we turn down very few candidates. Let that not dishearten you. Instead, we encourage you to look at this Letter of Acceptance as a comforting leveler with your fellow classmates, who may be mistakenly perceived as, ‘Sorted’.
To avoid any confusion, allow me to reiterate – we accept, we accept, we accept you. You will be a fine addition to our group of Adult Fakers, just trying to get by.
We look forward to seeing you accept yourself as well, during your time with us.
Yours truly and lovingly, The Institution of Life