How I earned respect in my own eyes ~ Anam Usmani

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For a large part of my life i was a people pleaser..i loved when people used to praise me..i love when people used to be happy with me because i obeyed them…i obeyed them when they told me what to wear…i obeyed when they told me where to go…i obeyed them when they told me who to go with…i obeyed when they told me not to go to friends house for her birthday party..i obeyed when they told me what career to choose…i even obeyed when i was told not to step out of the college with friends whether its for getting a xerox of notes or to have a cup of coffee…..

Sometimes i helped people in spite of the fact that i didn’t wanted to..I gave my stuff in spite of the fact that i didn’t wanted to ….Sometimes i wanted to say no i cant make tea or i cant do a chore but i still did….Sometimes i supported wrong in spite of knowing that its wrong..In spite of being tired i tried never to refuse anyone for any work…..Even when i felt angry with someone..i tried not to show as people will think i am bad..

I did all this just because i was afraid to say no and was scared of getting a bad image in people’s eyes…

Living in 2011 and following all the rules of 1960’s era…I followed all because i loved when people used to praise me…” tum bohat achchi ho..apne badon ki baatein maaanti ho..”.. or “inki ki tarah bano she does jo uske bade kehte hain” etc etc were the phrases that were used for me.

In this long race of pleasing people and keeping them happy I didn’t realise that I was killing my dreams..my ambitions..my happiness….and moreover I did stuff which I really didn’t wanted to do…

I wanted to go to my friends birthday party…like every teenager I also wanted to have fun….I wanted to have a cup of coffee in the cafe outside my college because I also wanted to enjoy…I wanted to say no to doing chores because I was tired or I didn’t felt like doing them…I wanted to say no to the person asking stuff from me…I wanted to show my anger or tell what I felt was wrong…

It’s not like that what others said or did for me was always wrong and I wanted to be a rebellion but it’s just that everyone needs a bit of independence in their life..especially in the era we are living in..Until unless a person is independent a person cannot progress…I always wanted to earn a name for myself …I wanted to have a business of my own ….earn something…it was and still is my dream right now.

When I am writing this I am no one ..nobody knows me ..but now at least I am working for it..to be someone with an individual identity..who is not simply recognised as someone’s daughter..someone’s sister..someone’s wife or someone’s mother…I want the world to know me for who I am…

After I moved to the USA and moreover after my son was born I gained the maturity to a great extent..(this is what I feel)…I started talking straight forward…I don’t know when and how this transition happened in me…I think when I realised that in spite of trying to be good to others I was bad for many behind my back…And I think when I realised the importance of my life..my own happiness..my own existence…I decided I will not be a people pleaser…

This life has been given to me by GOD and no human is the owner of it other than me and solely me…then why should I do what I don’t want to do ..why should I lead my life the way I am not happy leading…

I talked…I talked straight and what I felt was correct without anyone influencing my thoughts…if I felt something was right I stood with it and stood up for it…and when I felt something was wrong I said it was wrong out and loud no matter what and who the reason and person was…

I have earned respect for me in my own eyes and in the eyes of people who truly understand and love me for my act of talking straight forwardly but more than that I have earned lots and lots of haters…these are the people who still think that I should live my life in a cocoon without expressing my opinions…But I have no issue with them because every person has different thinking…different ideologies and different way of leading a life…and of course when I myself stopped pleasing people I don’t expect people to please me too. If you think I am wrong just stand by it.

Believe me since the day I have started doing this I have attained some kind of special peace…. I am happy.. I am content with myself and my life….main mutmaeen hun apni zindagi se kyunki main wo kar rhi hun jo meri zaat ko sahi lagta hai…zaroori nahin ki main har kisiko apni soch ka qayal kar sakoon lekin agar ek shaqs bhi is soch ko qubool karta hai to mere liye wahi bohat hai..